the girl i used to be is still the girl inside of me // a meditation on 2025
title from: money is everything by addison rae
happy very, very belated new year. i never considered january to be the beginning of a new year, though — january is always that weird transitionary state where nothing really happens and nothing feels real, and february is where the real action begins.
anyways, it’s january 16 now, and (at risk of jinxing myself forever) the year has treated me very kindly so far. it’s been very uneventful, my days full of nothing but watching tv (shoutout to heated rivalry, my number one obsession right now), working two jobs, and going to school, but compared to the past turbulent years, that’s all i could ask for. boring. peaceful. wouldn’t change it for anything else.
around this time last year, i was going through the worst depressive episode i’ve dealt with in my entire life — i always struggled with suicidal ideation, but this was the first time those thoughts felt like more than just passing feelings. it was a combination of many things, really — the death of my grandmother in 2023 (whom i had a very complicated relationship with), an absolutely horrible study abroad experience in 2024, experiencing academic failure & burnout for the first time in my life as a constant overachiever and perfectionist, experiencing heartbreak for the very first time… it just felt like so many things were crumbling around me at the same time and it got to the point i couldn’t breathe.
so, i called my therapist, and i went to the hospital to be institutionalized. i was officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety (and later, ocd). i was given medication for the very first time. while it wasn’t a vacation by any means, it was a very necessary experience, and i’m forever thankful for past me for picking up the phone instead of doing something terrible.
when i got out, i dropped out of university for a much needed break (ended up taking a whole year off). i deleted all my social medias. i changed my phone number so people from my past couldn’t reach me. i started completely anew. i even left my old job that was causing me nothing but burnout and exhaustion, and got a remote job.
i went to so many concerts — wallows, role model, rauw alejandro, kali uchis — and felt like i won back a piece of myself at every one. i reached a year with my therapist. i got my very first car. i opened myself up to a guy after getting my heartbroken, and though it didn’t work out, i enjoyed our time together (and i had sex for the very first time — it wasn’t nearly as terrifying as i thought it was going to be).
i cut my hair into a pixie cut, the shortest it’s been in my entire life, and i’ve never felt more free. i went back to school and survived the semester, would say i even thrived (nothing but a’s and b’s baby!). i finally, finally got over the shitty guy from the year before (my eyes were opened and i realized what a bum he truly was, thankfully).
i reconnected with a high-school friend — we tried out dating a bit, but honestly, i realized that i didn’t really want a boyfriend. or rather, wasn’t in the headspace to have one. all my life, my one goal had been to have a boyfriend, to fall in love, to have someone fall in love with me. but i never stopped to think whether that’s what i truly wanted or if that was what i wanted other people to see i had — to have proof i was lovable, proof i could be chosen, proof someone could stay.
2025 was the year of many revelations, clearly. we’re no longer dating but we still see each other, and if anything, it’s another friend i have and can be vulnerable with.
i turned 22! i survived. i survived. i survived. and honestly, i deserve to have high hopes for this year, because i’ve trained myself to be prepared for disappointment for too long. last year was proof that good things could, and do, happen to me — that i don’t always have to wait for the other shoe to drop, that sometimes life treats me kindly and that’s just it, with no caveats or sudden rug-pulls.
trying to get better at that, being more optimistic, but i have my whole life to practice it.
i’ve been listening to more music, too. reconnected with the girl i used to be, the girl i was and still am, who was constantly shamed for her interests and made to feel small. i’m showing her that she’s allowed to have interests, allowed to be cringey and embarrassing and obsessive. it feels like i’m slowly returning to myself.
i know this change won’t happen in a month, or a few months, or even a year — but i’m already leagues ahead of where i was at 21, at 20, at 19. and i’m letting myself hope that things will only get better from here.
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